Well, I went in for a CT scan today. More about that in a minute. If you’re lucky enough not to have been for X-rays, you may not relate to some of this. What is with those gowns they make you put on? The nurse tells you ” please strip from the waist down (or waist up), and put on the gown. It ties up in the back.” Yes. Sure. It ties in the back. Now, I have always prided myself on being able to tie my own shoes with a flourish, but trying to tie bows behind your back is like doing brain surgery with a catchers mitt on. Why can’t they give you a bathrobe style thing with a string around the waist that you can do up? Easier and more dignified. They’re going to want it open anyways, right? And don’t even get me started about those ones with three arm holes.
As for the scan, the first thing she tells me is that they are going to put a bigger than normal needle into me so they can inject the special fluid into my system. Right away, I am at ease. And, it hurt like freaking hell. To add to the calmness, she informs me that the special fluid has certain properties, and can cause certain reactions, the most common of which are hot flashes and an instant urge to pee. Less common side effects can include difficulty breathing, and numbness in the lips. I am to report these things so they can give me an emergency antidote. Fine. Just fine. I am on the table now, rolling slowly towards the scanner. I hear a voice say OK Mr. Dunn, here comes the fluid. Almost instantly, I have a fever, a bad taste in my mouth, and I really really have to pee. (Actually, I had to go before I even got on the table, but was too embarrassed to say anything).
Then, the machine itself speaks to me. “Take a deep breath, and hold it for 15 seconds”.
Please, just kill me now.