I now pronounce you Man and Wife

they are coming home from a long trip.  It’s evening, and a snowstorm has started.  Husband is driving, white knuckles on the steering wheel.

[WIFE] Hey, look at that house with all the Christmas lights!  You missed it!  Let’s turn around!

[HUSBAND] ___________

[WIFE]  You’re going too fast.  How do you expect me to see things like that?

[HUSBAND]  I’m going 30.

[WIFE]  Oh, this is my favourite song.  Turn it up!

[HUSBAND]  Turn it off, please.  I’m trying to concentrate.

[WIFE]  You’re such a killjoy.


They’re going grocery shopping.

[HUSBAND]  Do you have a quarter to get a shopping cart?

[WIFE]  No, but here’s two dimes and a nickel.

[HUSBAND]  What good is tha____

[WIFE]  Give it to the cashier and she’ll give you a quarter.  Meet you in there.

[HUSBAND]  There’s fifteen goddamn people lined up.

[WIFE]  Suck it up.

(Husband gets lucky.  Someone gives him their empty cart)

[WIFE]  Geez, that was quick.

[HUSBAND]  (rolls eyes)

[WIFE]  Hop in, and I’ll push you around.  (approximately the 573rd time she has said this

[HUSBAND]  (Rolls eyes)

[WIFE]  Anything you want, besides what’s on my list?

[HUSBAND]  I don’t know.  What’s on your list?

[WIFE]  I forgot it.

[HUSBAND]  Oh, I need some cream for my coffee.

[WIFE]  We have lots at home.  I bought extra.

[HUSBAND]  Are you sure?

[WIFE]  Yes, I told you.

[HUSBAND]  Well okay, could we get some grapefruits?

[WIFE]  How much are they?   …..That’s too much.  I can get them cheaper elsewhere.

[HUSBAND]  I think I’m running low on coffee, too.

[WIFE]  You know, you’re drinking too much coffee.  It’s no good for you.

[HUSBAND]  I know.  Buy some coffee, dammit.

[CASHIER]  Would you like bags, Ma’am?

[WIFE]  No thanks, I brought my own.  Oh, wait a minute.  No I didn’t, but I am not going to pay a nickel a bag.

[HUSBAND]  I’ll get a box.

[WIFE] (to cashier)  Oh, by the way, I have coupons for almost everything.

[HUSBAND]  People behind you are getting pissed off.

[WIFE]  Well, they can wait.

There are no boxes.  They load everything into the trunk of the car, one item at a time.
Wife wants to take the cart back through the snow, to get the quarter that’s stuck in it.

They get home.  There is no cream.  And they never do get grapefruits.


AT CHRISTMAS TIME (same scene for the last ten years)

[HUSBAND]  What do you want for Christmas?

[WIFE]  Nothing.  And don’t buy me another blender.

[HUSBAND]  What about the kids?

[WIFE]  I’ve done all the shopping.  Don’t you remember?  Did it in August.

[HUSBAND]  Well, I guess I’ll go out on Christmas Eve to do mine.

[WIFE]  What do you mean?  I told you it’s all done.

[HUSBAND]  We have this same discussion every year.   I like to do a little shopping of my own.

[WIFE]  So everything I buy is from me and you, and everything you buy is just from you?

[HUSBAND]  Can I at least underline my name?

[WIFE]  (rolls eyes)

(Husband racks his brains over what to buy for her.  Finds a picture of her Mom & Dad who passed away the previous year.  Takes it to a jeweler and has it put into a locket.  Wife cries)


(VACATION TIME)

[HUSBAND]  So, you have 6 weeks of vacation.  Where you wanna go?

[WIFE]  Oh, we’re only going to take one week.

[HUSBAND]  ??

[WIFE]  We only need a week, and I can bank the rest of the money.

[HUSBAND]  Well, where you wanna go?

[WIFE]  Let’s see…..da da….da da…da dah.   (about 1,000 miles of driving)

[HUSBAND]  Are you kidding?

[WIFE]  Nope.  We’re already packed.  Did it in August.

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