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Would you like beef with that pizza?

  • Few people turn on their outside lights at night, which means you sometimes have to do arithmetic and count down from the one house that does have its lights on, in order to find their address.  Please, if you order something, I assume you want me to find your place.
  • After driving around for five minutes trying to find a house in the dark, I walk up to their door (in darkness) and ring the bell.  Someone opens it, and still does not turn the light on.  I tell them what the total is, and they present their credit card.  Still no lights.  I confess I got a little impatient and said “could we have some lights on?”  Oh sorry they say.  They turn it on, they pay, and then immediately turn it off, leaving me to stumble down stairs in the dark.  No tip, presumably because of my poor demeanour.
  • I pull up to a big fancy house, with the lights on—yay!  It’s a $23 order.  They want to pay $5 on debit card, and the rest in cash.  Ok then.  But the debit card is declined.  She has ten dollars in cash,  the rest in coin.  Mostly quarters, dimes and nickels.  Still short by two bucks, so she calls her husband to come out with his debit card.  We do it for two bucks.  He looks pissed off, and leaves the scene without comment.  No tip.
  • Next stop….15 km.  into the bush.  Long and winding road into their country mansion.  I pull up, and am just about to get out of the car, when it seems they have released the hounds.  Four of them surround my car with ominous growls.  I open the window and say to the lady “is it okay if I stay in the car?”  She says oh, they are fine.  They won’t do anything unless I tell them to.  I say I would prefer to hand the pizzas out through the window.  She looks pissed off.  It’s a $110 order.  Tip was two bucks.

I don’t think I am cut out for this.

Lee Dunn View All

Lee Dunn has been writing since the age of 18, but found that work got in the way for the ensuing 48 years. In his home town of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, he reveled in his independence at an early age, and spent as much time as he could exploring the city’s Arts scene. He was introduced to poetry and prose by the works of two literary giants, namely J.R.R. Tolkien and J.W. Lennon and thence fell in love with the written word. His work includes poetry, short fiction, and personal essays, and ranges in theme from the surreal to the horrific, nostalgic, and themes on the human condition. He has been published on, The Dark Poets Club, Journal of Undiscovered Poets, Crepe & Penn Literary magazine, and the Shelburne Free Press.

8 thoughts on “Would you like beef with that pizza? Leave a comment

  1. Yeah, I this rate I am going to have to get a Canadian law license. Might take me a while. So be careful! 😉 BTW, got a new computer today. Still trying to sync everything before this one dies for good. You may not see me tomorrow..

    Liked by 1 person

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